Friday, April 18, 2014

The Definitive Answer

I don't know about you, but I've had a preference for definite answers i.e. black or white, yes or no, right or wrong, etc...

I thought I was making the right decision in letting go, but I can assure you that the toughest thing you can do is to let go. As of now, I've yet to receive an answer. And that's really hard. At least with a rejection, I could have closure, and I could get on with life. But for now, I keep having these thoughts that perhaps she just simply hasn't read her email in a while. Or my mail is being sent to her spam folder. And from there, the delusions return. As it is, the Dreams have returned.

Right now, I feel uneasy. Instead of absolutes, I have to go with most likely's. I should most likely let go and move on, but then again, there is another voice in my head who tells to wait with patience for a reply that perhaps will never come. It's like a fork in the road that is always there, no matter what choice I choose....

If it were only possible to seek to end this desire itself. What I would give to achieve the Vulcan state of Kolinahr, and just shed my emotions. But the genie is out of the bottle, and it's not going back in. And this isn't Star Trek (besides, I'd prefer the ability to Force-Choke an Inept Imperial Officer instead)...

I know last week, I said I'm free. But I'm starting to have my doubts. Maybe someday, I'll know for sure. Maybe I was right to move on. Maybe I was right to hold on. The feelings for her are still here, and they're still as strong as ever. So must my control over them be.

Someday I'll find peace...

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Tell the Truth! Be Free!

So last week, I laid my cards out on the table and proclaimed to the world that I was attracted to a certain woman. I then sent her an email telling her about the post, and that I had written it about her (I will still keep who she is in pectore. No need to needlessly cause her any more embarrassment). And even if she didn't go to the link, I left enough of a clue for her to know that I was attracted to her.

This happened a week ago. And she never replied. I can think of all manner of reasons why she would be unable or unwilling to respond. But in the end, I have to realize that perhaps no answer is all the answer that I will get. And that is something I have to accept.

With this in mind, I now have a better idea of the differences between reality and my delusions. While right now it feels like I'm mourning (basically for a loved one I never had), my grief is getting lighter, and I will hopefully learn wisdom from this. At the very least I can sleep easier.

As for this woman, she was a friend. A good friend. And I now fear that I've damaged a good friendship. Possibly irreparably. In time, I most likely will privily ask her pardon for whatever offense I've given her from writing this and the email. But for now, probably the best thing would be to leave the whole matter be. I should probably keep a low profile. Any other attempts to contact her would probably more harm than good. If she needs to contact me, she has enough of my contact info.  In the future, I may try to mend the fences with her and try restore the friendship.

I told the truth. And there are consequences to it. And I will accept them. But I'm free. I'm free of the delusions. My heart is broken, but at the same time, a burden has been lifted from it. I told the truth. I'm free.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Just because I need a laugh.

After I laid my cards on the table last week, I think I just need a good laugh. Nothing like Tom and Jerry for that:

This is actually one of my favorites. I’ve always want the ability to hock one so powerfully as to be able to shatter a vase from across the room….

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Warning: personal content ahead

This is the possibly the first entry that pertains directly to my blog title: The Voices From Within (My) Head...

Loneliness is bitter. I’m surrounded by friends, but I have no one. There have been times when I’ve wished to be sent on that Final Journey to the Undiscovered Country from which no traveler had returned just to get away from it all. But running away from your problems doesn't solve them, so I'll face them head-on.

To paraphrase the Smiths, I’m the son and the heir of a shyness that it is criminally vulgar. It has never been easy for me to talk to women, especially when I think I’m attracted to them. There is this woman that I've been friends with for some time, and I've realized that I'm attracted to her (it’s taken me almost four years to realize this). Ever since I've discerned my feelings for her, I can't get her out of my thoughts. My heart races whenever she is mentioned in my mind. Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is her. Could this be just an obsession, or I could I once again be falling victim to my own hyperactive imagination? Or could I be falling in love? Reading the tea leaves can only get you so far (meaning: nowhere). She is a good friend, and I have a great deal of respect for her and her family. As for who she is, I’ll keep that in pectore. No need to unnecessarily embarrass her. As for me, I have my nomex boxer shorts on...

There is so much I could write here, but words fail me. She was, and I hope she will be a good friend. I will continue to treat her with the utmost of respect. I am a better man for knowing her, and I will be forever grateful for that. Maybe she’ll soon see these words and realize that they were written for her. It’s always funny. Every time I’ve realized that I really like somebody, and I work up the courage to do something about it, I end up having to steel myself for the rejection, or to realize that it was too late. But for now, I’ve written these words for myself. I just need to let it out. Hope is faint, and it is fading fast. But it is still there. If not here, then there is still hope for a better tomorrow, though I would like her to be a part of it (even though I’m no George Clooney). If not, then my heart may be broken, but I’ll get over it.

Opening night

And the Seattle Mariners won 10-3. For the past 8 seasons, they have won the opening night. And then they’ve choked it during the season. Seriously, they need to change there names to the Seattle Inept Imperial Officers. I almost want to say that they’re the laughing stock of The New World Order (Mind-Control Division). But then again they did have a winning pre-season.

I should also point out, that while the Mariners historically suck, they still put more points on the board in tonight’s game than Peyton Manning did during the Super Bowl. Now that’s gotta hurt…

It’s here

And I’m talking about the spaghetti harvest:

And yes, spaghetti does really grow on trees…

Sunday, March 23, 2014

So, what all happened last week….

Last Monday was St. Patrick’s day. In Ireland, it is more of a religious holiday. In fact, up until 1970, all the pubs were closed on St. Patrick’s Day, and you went to church that day. It’s only in America that it’s celebrated with Green (actually St. Patrick’s color is blue), and excessive beer (which is ironic as St. Patrick’s Day is being celebrated during Lent this year, if you’re Catholic…). I’m not Catholic, nor  am I Irish. So I didn’t wear green, and I didn’t drink at all. I think it should be mentioned here that I no longer drink (alcohol is really pointless).

I’m watching Cosmos with Neil DeGrasse Tyson. He’s still no Carl Sagan, but he’s still making science interesting. The fact that he almost has a pornstache doesn’t hurt either… Carl Sagan introduced me to Johannes Kepler. Tyson has introduced me to Edmund Halley…

I renewed my phone contract a couple of months ago (I’ve already blogged about my new phone). And this week, my brother wanted to upgrade, too. So, he got his latest iPhone this week. And I had to be there, since it’s my account, and Sprint is rather strict about account holders…

And if you’re play Flight Simulator X, give yourself at least 15,000 feet before you barrel roll a jetliner. And while you’re at it, don’t hell dive the final appraoch…

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Reconciling with pluto…

A few years back, I wrote about Pluto gaining midget status… Last week on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Neil deGrasse Tyson was on. Neil was part of the committee that relegated Pluto to midget status. Well, they finally buried the hatchet:

This may be just a late-night sketch, but there is a moral here. Always make peace with those around you. You don’t always have to agree with them 100 percent, but just get along. You can have a different opinion than your fellow man, and not have to come to blows….

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