Me Vs. Reality…

Since I’m home from work sick today, I think I’ll write some here….

Reality and I have never been the best of friends (in fact this post is more of me expounding on this). In some form or another I’ve always had some sort of dream in my head. Sometimes these took the part of a science fiction superhero (like you’d find in a comic book). Or I’d daydream about having billions of dollars. Sometimes it could just be a simple thing as having an annoying coworker/manager fired and frog-marched off the premises at work. But they’re just dreams (or fantasies). Sometimes they can be good. They can give you a goal to work for. Some are so far fetched from reality that they really only serve as entertainment value. Then there are the dreams that are close to reality, but not quite. They can be subtle. You can think that the goals needed to attain them can be realistic. It may be just that one obstacle that you need to overcome, but it’s just barely unrealistically out of your reach. But what is really happening is that your dreams have become your Reality. You’re so caught up on this one issue that you fail to realize that it’s more likely for you to wake up and all of the sudden you’ve become your favorite comic book super-hero. And what good is fostering a delusion? Sooner or later it’s going to hit you. Reality. When all the unrealistic dreams, fantasies and delusions that you’ve fostered come crashing down, and you realize that they’re not going to happen. It’s as if your house of cards has come down, and all that is left for is pick up the pieces of your broken heart. There are times when all you need to ‘wake up’ from your daydreams is for someone to tell you ‘no’. Rejection can be a good thing. It can teach you to take no for an answer, to respect others’ feelings (and their space). But my difficulty lies therein. Nobody has told me no. Yet. I keep thinking upon this matter, and my mind is divided into two camps. One side tells me that in the absence of rejection, to keep trying. The other side tells me that silence will be my only answer, and that it is best to move on (after all, I don’t mean any harm & I will still wish the person well…). I keep going between the two camps in my head. Sometimes I go with the former. It gives me hope. Then there are the times I go with the latter. I proclaim to myself that I’m free from the fantasies and delusions. Until they return the very next day. I’ve tried to be realistic about this. To temper my dreams with reality. But it seems like I have to either live in FantasyLand, or I have to attain Kolinahr, shedding my ‘petty emotions’. There has to be a balance between the two. I can’t go living in La La Land, and I’m human; it is impossible to completely repress what I feel. Such is the nature of my quest. To keep grounded in reality, but to keep persuing my dreams. Someday my Realities and my Fantasies will become reconciled. I hope….

Reality used to be a friend of mine. Please don’t ask my because I don’t know why, but reality used to be a friend of mine….