Santa is white, and he wants your kids to sit in his lap. Santa is really Michael Jackson.
Santa live is the middle of nowhere, works only one night a year, and has the munchies so bad that he has to have milk and cookies at every stop he makes. Santa smokes pot (this year I'm gonna leave Doritos for him).
Visions of flying reindeer and toy-making elves? Santa drops acid.
If you've seen any of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, you know what elves look like. Those aren't elves in Santa's workshop. Those are The Underpants Gnomes (which also explains why you get so much underwear for Christmas).
If you stay up for Santa, and you don't see him, don't be discouraged. This year he will have to deliver to about 34,722 homes per second. You only see 24 frames per second at a cinema.
Well, I should stop before I get nothing for Christmas.....
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